Dear Boyfriend,
I know we haven’t been together for long. I know we’ve innumerable
hours on the phone, but just 4 dates. I know I am new to this and so are you.
But I keep thinking about you. All the time. The wheels in my head keep turning
constantly. Why hasn’t he replied yet? Why hasn’t he been online for so long? How
serious is he? How serious am I?
I do not understand any of this. Why have you occupied so
much of my mind. I can’t think. I can’t think. I keep wondering if this is
working even. I know we don’t have much outside experience. Just words. So many
words. Filling my head. Some running past, when spoken at wee hours. Making me
anxious that we might just run out of them one day. And then what?
I know first relationships don’t work. I know that this has
no future. Our futures are too uncertain. I know that I made it all clear the
day that you proposed, but this still scares me. I dream of you sometimes, you
know. But no, how would you? I have never told you. Our conversations lately
come just to the point and still fall slightly short. I think of you and I am
happy. Sometimes. I get excited when you text me, or snapchat with me and I
forget how frustrated I had just been feeling. But then another text from me, and
you are gone. Offline. And I spend the
next hours waiting, well not completely, but something in the back of my head
keeps ticking. I feel like making you suffer but I can’t. I just can’t. I am
not that person who would keep people waiting intentionally.
I know you have your exams and you have to study. But is an
hour or half too big an encroachment on your time? (And, I’d like to remind
you, that making your studies a priority was also one of my clauses when you
proposed.)
I know you’d never mean to, but know that it takes time for
me to fall, but when I fall, I fall so hard, so don’t lead me on. I can only be
so much cautious about you. So make sure to be there to catch me when I let loose.
You are not a habit yet. Please let me know before I make you one.
I know that this will not work. Perhaps, I don’t even want
it to. You are nothing like I imagined, and not in a bad way, just in a
different way. But if this is not going to work, does it mean that we can’t
have the time of our lives? Something we could cherish. Can’t you be the first
person I cry to? Can’t you be my first kiss? Can’t we have adventures to remember
forever? Can’t you be the reason I smile, and the reason I will reminisce and
sigh and say, “that was a different time, he has a different guy”? Can’t we
live this out well, spare the anxiety, and be friends or something when this
ends?
I am giving you two months(only because of your exams) to stop messing with my head. I know a hundred
reasons on why this shouldn’t work. Please give me one why it should. Please
stop the wheels turning in my head.
You are not a habit yet. Please don't become one if you don't mean it.
