Ghosting Gone Wrong

To anyone who's reading,

I tried to move on, I did. But I caved. I gave in to the guilt of breaking someone's heart, and I gave in. I gave in, and almost immediately started regretting it. After two weeks of building up the nerve to break up again, I decide that it would be more humane(probably me more than him) that I just ghost him out of my life, I mean there was no way the friendship that was there before could ever be salvaged.

So, I start ghosting him out. And one curt(ish) phone call and ignored text later, either he gets the drift(which I doubt, he's smart but not smart enough), or he's starts ghosting me too. That ass.

And the ghostee becomes the ghosted.

Yeah, I know I was going to break up anyway, but being ghosted isn't nice. For all he knows, I could've been busy, since your mum being at the hospital could be a pretty great distraction.

Hence, I reiterate. That ass.

Thus ended my first and very weird(never even held hands but dicussed hickeys and lengerie weird) relationship.

THE END.

Just Forget Yesterday

We met yesterday. You were late as you always were. You were late, after you promised so many times. You couldn't keep your word. So, I did.

I said goodbye as I promised. I felt like you didn't care. Like I didn't matter. I felt that if I gave in one more time, who would I be. You begged, pleaded, cried. But how could it matter when I couldn't even look at you?

You said sorry, you said you'd change. I'd heard it all before. How could I trust you now as I did before. How could I trust you now, when all I could see was a small child whimpering. Was I that mad? Am I that cold?

In that moment, on that day I could only see all that you weren't. Now I see all that you were to me. All that you are. And I will say that here, where you will probably never see it. But I will say it all the same.

You are funny, smart (probably the smartest person I know), kind, caring, impulsive, uninhibited, charming, a great texter and talker. With you I felt like I could say anything, be anything and you'd still be there. I loved how you felt safe enough to tell all your stories to (however long they were). I loved how you worried about me, and how you never expected more than I could give. You understood my commitments and priorities and never took them personally as me not caring for you. You are the smartest persons in most rooms, and with you I didn't feel like such a know it all. With you I felt safe.

I told you all(almost), I showed you my baggage and you didn't run. Anyone else would have.

Yesterday, I gave up; you pleaded, begged, tried to explain, but I had an argument for everything. I won the fight but lost the war.

You broke my heart, just by being late. Silly, isn't it. To lose something so precious over something so lame. You broke my heart all the same. So I went back and crushed yours too.

Now I will never get you back. The way I reacted can never be forgotten.
But I need you now. More than ever.

Just forget yesterday.
Please?

Dear Boyfriend

Dear Boyfriend,

I know we haven’t been together for long. I know we’ve innumerable hours on the phone, but just 4 dates. I know I am new to this and so are you. But I keep thinking about you. All the time. The wheels in my head keep turning constantly. Why hasn’t he replied yet? Why hasn’t he been online for so long? How serious is he? How serious am I?

I do not understand any of this. Why have you occupied so much of my mind. I can’t think. I can’t think. I keep wondering if this is working even. I know we don’t have much outside experience. Just words. So many words. Filling my head. Some running past, when spoken at wee hours. Making me anxious that we might just run out of them one day. And then what?

I know first relationships don’t work. I know that this has no future. Our futures are too uncertain. I know that I made it all clear the day that you proposed, but this still scares me. I dream of you sometimes, you know. But no, how would you? I have never told you. Our conversations lately come just to the point and still fall slightly short. I think of you and I am happy. Sometimes. I get excited when you text me, or snapchat with me and I forget how frustrated I had just been feeling. But then another text from me, and you are gone. Offline.  And I spend the next hours waiting, well not completely, but something in the back of my head keeps ticking. I feel like making you suffer but I can’t. I just can’t. I am not that person who would keep people waiting intentionally.

I know you have your exams and you have to study. But is an hour or half too big an encroachment on your time? (And, I’d like to remind you, that making your studies a priority was also one of my clauses when you proposed.)

I know you’d never mean to, but know that it takes time for me to fall, but when I fall, I fall so hard, so don’t lead me on. I can only be so much cautious about you. So make sure to be there to catch me when I let loose. You are not a habit yet. Please let me know before I make you one.

I know that this will not work. Perhaps, I don’t even want it to. You are nothing like I imagined, and not in a bad way, just in a different way. But if this is not going to work, does it mean that we can’t have the time of our lives? Something we could cherish. Can’t you be the first person I cry to? Can’t you be my first kiss? Can’t we have adventures to remember forever? Can’t you be the reason I smile, and the reason I will reminisce and sigh and say, “that was a different time, he has a different guy”? Can’t we live this out well, spare the anxiety, and be friends or something when this ends?

I am giving you two months(only because of your exams)  to stop messing with my head. I know a hundred reasons on why this shouldn’t work. Please give me one why it should. Please stop the wheels turning in my head. 

You are not a habit yet. Please don't become one if you don't mean it.